If the guy in your rearview mirror keeps flashing his lights like a Morse Code operator on Red Bull, you might be a slowpoke. ... If you’ve ever been run off the road by an electric wheelchair, you might be a slowpoke. ... If you refer to second gear as overdrive, you might be a slowpoke.
Everybody knows that save for the Autobahn or the Bonneville Salt Flats, you can’t go as fast as you want. But did you know that save for the driveway of Rain Man’s dad, you can’t go as slowly as you want, either? It is indeed a citable offense in Nevada to travel in the left lane (aka the No. 1 Lane, aka the inner lane, aka the get-the-#$@%-out-of-my-way lane) of the highway and hold up other motorists.
NRS 484B.627 prohibits driving “at a speed so slow as to impede forward motion of traffic.” In other words, much like a Republican candidate during primary season, when pressed, always tack as far to the right as possible. It doesn’t matter how fast you’re driving; if you’re in the way, you must — as they say in the Navy — make a hole.
It’s all about traffic flow and safety. During ordinary conditions, the passing lane is designed for passing. Camping there like the lead float in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade blocks other drivers from getting by. It also funnels lots of cars into close and dangerous proximity. What if someone swerves? What if someone brakes? Well, you’ve seen a demolition derby, haven’t you?
We are not alone in legislating against left-lane lollygaggers; most states have similar statutes. However, just as it’s illegal in Alaska to awaken a bear to take its picture (Google it), not all laws are meant to be enforced.
Highway patrol officers have better things to do than go around ticketing people for, uh, not speeding. Pulling over Grandma for being a Sunday driver on a Thursday afternoon just isn’t atop the priority list.
So what’s a tailgater to do? How to get from Point A to Point Z when there’s some SOB in the middle? A few suggestions: First, flash to pass. Remember “Close Encounters,” when that “car” was behind Richard Dreyfus, its headlights beaming about a billion BTUs? That got his attention, not to mention burning off half his face. And hey, if a little illumination doesn’t coax cooperation, simply levitate straight up and make a beeline for Devils Tower.
Second, channel the Road Runner and give it a beep, beep. When slip-screening past a dilly-dallier, gently tap your horn twice to announce your intentions. Remember, the second tap is key. It’s unclear why, but it’s universally understood that beeping once means you’re a jerk, but beeping twice means you’re a gent.
And finally, when the offending driver comes around and moves over, resist the urge for retribution. Forget the finger, eschew the evil eye. Most drivers are operating under the influence of ignorance, not malice. In the spirit of the season, forgive them, for they know not what they do.
Roger Snow is a senior vice president with Scientific Games.